Self Development And Growth
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Solace Swanson asked:
When starting out the the area of self development and growth, one of the most important and basic skills to learn is the skill to deal with issues in your life.
Many sources often overlook the process of how to change. The process is long and hard, and often you will lose motivation and forget your goals for self improvement. While you may yearn for instant gratification and instant change, the reality is that it just wont happen overnight. Habits take a long time to form and break; deeper psychological issues that a long time to resolve.
Often when people deal with their issues, they’re dealing with it in a LOGICAL manner. This doesn’t motivate you because motivation is EMOTIONAL. When you feel emotionally affected towards the issue, you will have the drive to resolve the emotions. This is the basis for my model of dealing with issues.
Without further ado, here it is: Dealing with issues, the 4 steps.
1. Figure out what the issue is.
This first point is ridiculously obvious, but incredibly important and oftentimes looked over. In many instances, we believe that we’re dealing with one problem when in reality we’re actually facing problems with a deeper inner issue.
For example, in the world of dating and relationships, the actual act of meeting members of the opposite sex can be quite daunting. The possibility of rejection, the fear that they will dislike you is present. No one likes to think that they are incompetent with the opposite sex, and this is the issue that may arise and challenge them if they approach and get rejected. So they sit at the back of the bar with their friends talking about how they’re ‘pimps’ and ‘could pick up anyone in this bar’ but ‘they don’t want to’ because ‘no one here is worth it’.
What is happening here is an avoidance of the real issue: they depend on other’s approval and reactions to feel good about themselves. An issue of low self esteem and low self confidence.
This issue would not be realised without some serious hard thinking and the ability to see things for what they really are. Your mind and ego will throw up a million different cognitions to throw you off the real issue because the truth hurts your sense of self.
This first point is ridiculously simple yet hard to realize.
2. Experience the issue.
This is different. I swear by this technique 100%.
When you figure out what the issue is, it’s going to try and hide. It’s going to throw up excuses as to why you have those cognitions. You’re going to want to avoid the issue. Yeah that’s right, you know what I’m talking about. This is the nerd realising that they suck with women but rationalising it as due to their studies or the fact that they “don’t have time”, then using that as a constant excuse not to GO OUT and MEET women. Or the woman who has emotional issues that affect her relationships but blames her relationship problems on her looks.
By experience the issue I mean to feel it fully. You KNOW it’s there, you aren’t going to avoid it. You just broke up with your partner? It feels crap. Don’t avoid having the feelings. You’re scared of chatting up that cutie? Don’t avoid the issue. Immerse yourself in the experience of feeling like that.
Only then do you have a solid base for your motivation to get the problem fixed.
3. Act on resolving the issue
After experiencing the feelings that you don’t want to feel, make a decision to ACT upon the issues. After all, just pointlessly making yourself feel bad is… pointless. So what did you do? Make a commitment to take steps forward in solve the issue. If you’re afraid that people will ‘reject’ you then approach people until you emotionally realise that ‘rejection’ by a stranger means nothing more than the fact that you approached them in the wrong way. If you’re avoiding exercise because of an underlying issue of laziness, get out there and exercise! Do you actually WANT to be unhealthy? How does being unhealthy feel?
Experiencing the issue should give you the MOTIVATION to ACT on the issue. If you don’t act, you’ll just stay the same. Do you really want to feel the way you felt when you were experiencing the issue? I doubt it.
4. Figure out your other issues
In self improvement, it is critical to remember that your problems will NEVER end and you will ALWAYS have issues to deal with. Reality is harsh.
If you’re serious about improving yourself, keeping this in mind will help you a lot. You will always have something to fix. Take a break once in a while, moderate how much you work on yourself, but never forget that you always have something to improve. Read “The way of the superior man” by David Deida. It gives a good description of this point.
When starting out the the area of self development and growth, one of the most important and basic skills to learn is the skill to deal with issues in your life.
Many sources often overlook the process of how to change. The process is long and hard, and often you will lose motivation and forget your goals for self improvement. While you may yearn for instant gratification and instant change, the reality is that it just wont happen overnight. Habits take a long time to form and break; deeper psychological issues that a long time to resolve.
Often when people deal with their issues, they’re dealing with it in a LOGICAL manner. This doesn’t motivate you because motivation is EMOTIONAL. When you feel emotionally affected towards the issue, you will have the drive to resolve the emotions. This is the basis for my model of dealing with issues.
Without further ado, here it is: Dealing with issues, the 4 steps.
1. Figure out what the issue is.
This first point is ridiculously obvious, but incredibly important and oftentimes looked over. In many instances, we believe that we’re dealing with one problem when in reality we’re actually facing problems with a deeper inner issue.
For example, in the world of dating and relationships, the actual act of meeting members of the opposite sex can be quite daunting. The possibility of rejection, the fear that they will dislike you is present. No one likes to think that they are incompetent with the opposite sex, and this is the issue that may arise and challenge them if they approach and get rejected. So they sit at the back of the bar with their friends talking about how they’re ‘pimps’ and ‘could pick up anyone in this bar’ but ‘they don’t want to’ because ‘no one here is worth it’.
What is happening here is an avoidance of the real issue: they depend on other’s approval and reactions to feel good about themselves. An issue of low self esteem and low self confidence.
This issue would not be realised without some serious hard thinking and the ability to see things for what they really are. Your mind and ego will throw up a million different cognitions to throw you off the real issue because the truth hurts your sense of self.
This first point is ridiculously simple yet hard to realize.
2. Experience the issue.
This is different. I swear by this technique 100%.
When you figure out what the issue is, it’s going to try and hide. It’s going to throw up excuses as to why you have those cognitions. You’re going to want to avoid the issue. Yeah that’s right, you know what I’m talking about. This is the nerd realising that they suck with women but rationalising it as due to their studies or the fact that they “don’t have time”, then using that as a constant excuse not to GO OUT and MEET women. Or the woman who has emotional issues that affect her relationships but blames her relationship problems on her looks.
By experience the issue I mean to feel it fully. You KNOW it’s there, you aren’t going to avoid it. You just broke up with your partner? It feels crap. Don’t avoid having the feelings. You’re scared of chatting up that cutie? Don’t avoid the issue. Immerse yourself in the experience of feeling like that.
Only then do you have a solid base for your motivation to get the problem fixed.
3. Act on resolving the issue
After experiencing the feelings that you don’t want to feel, make a decision to ACT upon the issues. After all, just pointlessly making yourself feel bad is… pointless. So what did you do? Make a commitment to take steps forward in solve the issue. If you’re afraid that people will ‘reject’ you then approach people until you emotionally realise that ‘rejection’ by a stranger means nothing more than the fact that you approached them in the wrong way. If you’re avoiding exercise because of an underlying issue of laziness, get out there and exercise! Do you actually WANT to be unhealthy? How does being unhealthy feel?
Experiencing the issue should give you the MOTIVATION to ACT on the issue. If you don’t act, you’ll just stay the same. Do you really want to feel the way you felt when you were experiencing the issue? I doubt it.
4. Figure out your other issues
In self improvement, it is critical to remember that your problems will NEVER end and you will ALWAYS have issues to deal with. Reality is harsh.
If you’re serious about improving yourself, keeping this in mind will help you a lot. You will always have something to fix. Take a break once in a while, moderate how much you work on yourself, but never forget that you always have something to improve. Read “The way of the superior man” by David Deida. It gives a good description of this point.
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